Is cupid… online?

This week has been rough.  A pretty hard week for Americans.  Just check the news, people are pretty fed up with this week.  So I thought I would give us some rest and go on a fun rant of my own, railing for and against… Internet Dating.

DUN DUN DUN!!!!!!

As a seasoned internet dater, I have 5 pros and 5 cons to keep in mind when pursuing this ultra ‘in’ activity.  For 5 minutes, let yourself be pissed off, or, equally, delighted by a relatively unimportant idea.  Keep in mind this is completely biased, but I will respect my former dates by keeping their information private.  Internet security is an issue these days, and I wouldn’t want to betray these lovely women by putting their real names or information online.  You can understand that.  Without further ado…

DON’T GO ON A DATE WITH SANDRA WILLIAMS SSN: 366-45-2291 SHE’S THE WORST.

Just kidding.

PRO 1: Meeting new people

You get to meet lots of people!  Of all walks of life!  It’s very exciting at first.  The QUALITY of said people is, erm, well it varies… but I’ve made some great friends through dating website who I likely would never have met otherwise

date3

CON 1: Bad sex

This one is pretty self-explanatory.  The more dates you go on, the more bad dates you go on, the more bad sex you have.  McKinsey (a major, multi-national consulting firm) is currently researching whether bad sex is worse for your mental health than no sex at all.  They should have a report ready soon.

PRO 2: Checking out new stuff

That bar that you always wanted to check out, but never could because it was sort of a ‘date’ bar… well now you can!  I have discovered speakeasies, cocktail bars, gone to see a riveting ballet… plenty of things that I might not have usually done with my ‘bros’, but now have an excuse to – it’s a DATE.  Do something cool.

CON 2: Long dates

Oh man.  There is nothing longer than a bad date.  Except for, perhaps, a bad date at a bad improv show.  There is only so much chit-chat before you have to start coming up with excuses: ‘oh, my roommate just told me our apartment got broken into!’; ‘oh no, grandma died’; ‘ahhh, i have work in the morning, i should be going’; and, my favorite, ‘do you believe in aliens?’ (whatever they answer, take the opposite view, argue for exactly 90 seconds, and then get up to leave… she’ll understand).

PRO 3: Building self-confidence

I was pretty nervous on the first date that I went on.  But now, I feel much more confident talking to women in date situations, and talking to new people in any situation.  It forces you to bring out the best in yourself (and hide your true self for fear of rejection… wait, is that a con?)

CON 3: Time consuming

Well there’s the dates themselves.  Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my dates that I stop seeing my friends!  And then there’s the profile-searching, and the message writing.  This is different for girls than for guys I’m sure (because girls receive 500 times the messages guys do), but it takes time to craft a GOOD message.  I’m writing a bit of my soul.  And you’ll look at my profile… and not respond.  That hurts.  That was my time.  And I’m never getting it back.  The last one I wrote was completely in rhyme.  No response.  Devastating.

PRO 4: Something to share with friends

Online dating is IN now.  It is soooooo IN.  Want something to talk about with your friends?  Join Crossfit, or start online dating (I did both… I had nothing to talk about before).  You can complain about your dates, edit your profiles, search for people (each other?)… It’s great for stalled conversations.

CON 4: People who misrepresent themselvesdate 2

It’s fine to try and show yourself in the best light, though it isn’t 100% accurate.  I get it.  But let me know via your photo what you actually look like. Look, I’m 5’10”.  I wouldn’t pretend to be 6’3″ because you’ll be horribly disappointed when we actually meet.  So I’m not saying include your weight, or show me your favorite hang-over photo, not at all.  I’m just saying that if you show that you’re one thing, but you turn up as a 400 lbs two headed dragon… I’m going to be more than disappointed.  I’m going to be pissed.

PRO 5: Sex

McKinsey got back to me.  Bad sex is better than no sex.

CON 5: Stalkers

Second date in, I was asked to go visit the parents.  When I declined, she turned up outside my apartment that I had never brought her to.  After two break-ins, a fake doll of me with bits of my real hair, and a weird cult worshiping me on Tuesdays and Thursdays… I was done with that girl.  Don’t stalk.  Only internet stalk.  It’s internet dating, keep it in its place.

OVERALL I like online dating.  I think it’s a fun way to meet cool people.  But be warned, if you have the opportunity to go out with a stalker two-headed dragons taking you to see bad improv and then have bad sex with you… well, go for it.  Better than being alone.

Comments

  1. Jessica Cohen says:

    Hahaha… this was hilarious. Thanks for the entertaining post!